Failuretothink

Culture Cry Wolf

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:05:33 -0400

Wow, It’s hard for me to believe, one of my favorite local bands, Culture Cry Wolf, is done. They are going the way of most bands, and ending. Now I say favorite, because they kick ass. They blended genres in a way, that, in my opinion, really hasn’t been done in such a way. I think the first article I read of them, the writer called it, Duwop-Rap, something along that line.

But yeah, they were fun. There shows were so energetic, it was one band you’d never see anyone look bored, even if they weren’t shaking their asses off, like I usually was. And top off that energy, they were really good!

I first became introduced to that group, through my new roommate at the time, Dylan. He knew Botzy the Emcee of the group, which I shortly was introduced to to him, at one of the many parties we threw at the Moontower (nickname for the amazing house I was living at)

Through meeting Botzy, going to Culture Cry Wolf shows with my new friends, I got introduced to this scene in Minneapolis I’ve never really knew existed. But as I went to more and more shows, and met more and more people, seeing all their passions, playing music on top of working a regular job, and really making an effort into working their music, it was really inspiring. It helped me spark my passion, which was unlit for many years prior.

As this new passion flourished, I at first spent that energy thinking I could help out and share songs that people would post or video. I was telling people about these music groups, and at that time, maybe going a little bit overboard (per some friends pointed out) Its not like I was trying to be a fan boy, or anything like that, I just felt passion for the first time in SOOO long, that I wanted to spread that to other people. I wanted everyone I knew to get that same feeling, and help support the local musicians that helped me feel so alive again.

After a while, I cooled off on that, not realizing it made some people uncomfortable. A friend told me, that these are “real” people, with real lives besides their music, and its weird for them to have someone kind of “starstruck” over them. So yeah I cooled off, but I wasn’t star struck, I just wanted to repay them, for making me feel so passionate again. But hey thats life, you live and learn.

But Culture Cry Wolf, really made an impact on me. Before moving to that house, I was in a world of darkness. Unknowing where I was going in life. But CCW and a lot of the local musicians I now call friends, everyone has really inspired me. Because I used to play music, but I lost that passion for it, I just assumed I was never going to go anywhere with it.

I think also, the local music industry changed alot since I was in active working bands, especially with social networks, and sites like (Bandcamp, soundcloud) its easier now more than ever to make music, and perform which through my time seeing all these wonderful acts, I went to so many venues I never knew existed, went to block parties, really became involved as in this local Minneapolis music scene.

So with that, i’m sadden to see Culture Cry Wolf be no more, because they were more than just some band to me. They will be at the start of this new chapter of life, that started some years back, their music will be an association of that for me. How my life changed. How its changing now. Their music is more of an inspiration, then I’m sure they would’ve never anticipated. So I say thank you for the fun times, the shows, the memories. I wish all you of luck in whatever ventures you do with your life. I never really met all of you, except Botzy, but you were all cool dudes, even if it was just a short chat outside a show.

Thanks,

Kevin

Being Yourself

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:26:51 -0400

I realized something while at work yesterday. The more I stopped caring about how others might react to something I like. for either a hobby or entertainment, the more happy my life became.

I’m 33, I like cartoons, video games, playing with kids, comics… on and on. I used to work work for a big corporate company for 5 years, and I never felt like I belonged with most of them. Everyone wearing fancy suit and ties, talking about buying homes, getting married, going to sports.

Not just at work, but most areas in my life, for my age, I never felt like i am an “adult”, I know thats not a bad thing, but I felt I never really belonged with normal society. Going out to places, seeing people trying to “hook up” in clubs, dudes saying anything for some pussy, I just thought that was fake. I always wanted someone more real.

But I was also afraid of rejection, so instead of risking, I’d do nothing. I’d see a pretty girl, but wouldn’t be confident to talk to her. Because I’d worry that, they would think that I was just some other douche, trying to get in her pants, so I wouldn’t even attempt it.

I did that a lot in life. My over analytical brain would come up with numerous hypothetical situations, and I’d believe that if I was with someone, they’d see something that I like or realize that i’m just some dumb dude, and then leave me. So instead of going out on a limb, I feared to be myself, because I assumed myself, would make people not like me, especially girls. But whoever I may find in life, I would want someone to love me for who I am, as I would to them.

With the last couple of years, I’ve done soo much growing. I’ve shed so many layers. I’ve been more vocal about different things I love, and the people I consider friends and family, some might not get it, but they accept me for who I am. Something as simple as just being yourself, has such an impact on your life, because I am more happy and really enjoying life.

I’m not in the perfect situation, living back home at my parents for a while, to save money, but in the short time I’ve been there I’ve grown even more. And last weekend I saw a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a long time, I didn’t have the underlying nervousness, that made me over analyze what to say during conversations, that just made me feel more nervous. I had such a blast, and talked with soo many people, and I was care free. It felt fantastic. It felt natural. I’m sure most people wouldn’t of noticed my uneasiness in prior years, because I kept it in.

So the more I just be myself, find passion in the things I’m passionate about, the more I just love life. Maybe that’s the secret of life. Is never be afraid to be yourself. Live your passions, live without fear. Give NoneFucks. But don’t be a dick about it either.

My lesson in Fear

Sat, 04 May 2013 22:19:49 -0400

I’ve been single for 32 if my 33 years living. Its not that im not worthy of anyone, im sure someone things im attractive, I have lots of female friends, where some even told me they would of dated me if I showed interest. Which I was, I was too shy. But with all the growing I’ve been doing, I’ve been learning about the root cause to my issues. And figuring that out to help grow past the whole issue, rather than attempt to fix only a portion.
The root to my issue with relationships (dating or friends) is that I don’t get too close to anyone, because I fear of hurting them, and they will leave me, all alone with no one. That was the big con I played on myself. Instead that made me alone. That made me isolate myself because I didn’t let people in to truly know me. For who I am and accept me.
How crazy is that. Fear. I think it’s one of the most powerful emotions. Because once it has its grip on you, it will do anything to keep you in it.
Even as a little kid, what I wanted most, was to find that someone, a women to spend my whole life with. Start a family. Have someone I could say “I love you” every day and never sound old. Someone who just being in their company is all I need.
But that almost was never gonna happen, especially letting fear take over my life. So events took place, and I had enough. I stood up against it. Which means, I stood against myself. From what I realize, fear is a manifestation of yourself. Your darker part of you, which everyone has. No light with out the dark. But you as an individual can choose your path and live it.
Star wars said it. ” fear leads to the dark side” makes so much more sense to me now, that I broke free from my dark side. But unfortunately, as with anything, there has to be a balance in yourself. Fear is never gone. But I believe as long as you recognize that fear within yourself, you’ll have ways to counteract it.
For myself. I’ve recently had an experience where I almost let fear get me. I was at a party/show at the soundgallery, where I knew some people that were going. It turned out to be pretty packed, and bumped into a handful of people. Social anxiety kicked in a little bit (at the moment didn’t realize) and the fear made me start to thing people didn’t want to talk to me. But the show started and I felt a little safer, since I could watch the show. I almost left, but a chance hello by one of the performers, whom I never met but twitter (Phillip Morris) and I just stayed and started dancing along with the music. I didn’t really same much to anyone else that night, left alone. But ended up having a great time. Because I overcame fear.
The day after I tweeted wondering why im outgoing in some situations and not in others. A friend replied maybe I’m an introvert. I thought about it, and it made soo much sense.
Fear try’s so hard to convince us that we are no good, and we in turn never believe in ourselves. The progress I’ve made in music in the last 5 months learning the piano and singing again, is quite amazing to me, because I always had the talent, I just never believed I did. I’m excited to share some songs really soon.
we all can’t help that fear lives with in us, but we all the power to put fear in its place and stop living for it.

"Never ignore a person that truly loves you, truly cares for you, and truly misses you. Because one..."

Sat, 04 May 2013 10:10:45 -0400

“Never ignore a person that truly loves you, truly cares for you, and truly misses you. Because one day, you might wake up and realize that’s the only one you have left to love.”

- (via stevenrosas)

These streets

Thu, 02 May 2013 10:05:09 -0400

I’ve walked these streets before. Minneapolis, downtown, but something is different. I’m different. The way I compose myself in public, the way I walk, singing along to the song on my headphones, Dancing along to the music. I never used to do that before.

I used to blend in, like everyone else, keep to myself. Insecurities clouded my judgement, made me not do those things in public, because I didn’t want people to stare, wondering “who’s this freak?” Afraid to be myself, because I didn’t want to bother anyone.

It’s not like I’ll scream at the top of my lungs, but maybe if the situation calls for it, I might. Because, of all the growing I’ve done, finding who I really am, I give no fucks. Not anymore. I used to think I did before, but I think it was only partial, just a hint of what I could be.

So today, I got off the bus, jamming out to HarMar Superstar on my phone, and I just started singing along. Not trying to be anyone special. I was just grooving along to the song. Not even realizing I was really loud, till people just looked at me, but I smiled and continued on my way.

It took me 33 years to finally be comfortable in my own skin, and I like it. Who cares about being normal. I never did. But now, I show it. And it feels good. It’s the evidence, that I’m doing something right. Now I can get on with my life, and truly live.

I kind of feel like today will be kind of like a homecoming for me. I’m going to Minneapolis...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 10:33:23 -0400

I kind of feel like today will be kind of like a homecoming for me. I’m going to Minneapolis today, hang with friends, see shows, and whatever random shenanigans will ensue. I look back, I left Minneapolis, the city I’ve lived for around 9 years, back in July. Only a temporary setback in my life. But I’ve realized that the time away, I found myself and grew the most. I moved back home to my house I lived as a child, in Cottage Grove.

I left so swift, but another job loss (this time a layoff, not my fault) I fell behind in rent, prior and I felt bad and didn’t want to fall more behind. But I made the decision pretty hastily and moved out a week later. I only told my roommates, I didn’t throw a going away party, or called up people, I just left. Like a ninja in the dark, poof, I was gone.

Most of my life in Minneapolis, except my last couple years living in the house on Pillsbury (aka Moontower) I spent alone. I knew a couple people actually living in Minneapolis, but that was it. Most of my longer term friends lived out in the suburbs or further than what I could walk or bus. A Lot of them getting married and starting families, finding careers. It wasn’t like the good ole days during high school, or college period, just randomly hang out in groups and have fun. Jobs, kids, bills, all get in the way. It’s part of growing up, being responsible. Even though, while I knew these people for a long time, and we had so many good memories so far, I felt alone.

It was all part of the con, I led myself to believe. I would always say, (to myself) “I don’t call anyone, they don’t call me, but when we see each other, we pick right back off where we left off” Which was great, when we did see each other. Usually in group functions that would be planned out, because everyone was busy, everyone had schedules. Then we be done, and all go back to our lives. Which that meant for me, back to my little 1 room in this big house, where with 13 rooms and no lease, people came and went all the time. So I usually didn’t know anyone who I lived with. No common area, just doors and hallways.

That was the routine. I’d give the excuse, I don’t talk to people on the phone, because i spend 40 plus hours on the phone, thats the last thing I’d want to do.. But deep down, I feared calling people. Even though these people were my friends, I’ve always held back. With letting people in. Like if they could see the real me, inside, that they wouldn’t like me anymore. Or they’d end up hating me, like I hated myself. I know now, I could’ve called any number of people and would of been able to invite someone up and hang out, but I tricked myself thinking my little life wasn’t important enough, to bother those you had careers, spouses, and families.

The lies we tell ourselves. It’s truly amazing how the mind works. It’s not like I NEVER saw any of my friends or family. But my alone time, outweighed my time with others. All that alone time, I really didn’t amount to nothing either. Because anything I’d try, (music, reading) I’d always get to a point and then quit, because of whatever lie I said to myself, realized it wasn’t worth the effort, since I’d end up failing anyways.

Through working at target, I met a lot of cool people, Dylan and Dave were a couple of them. Both of them were living together, and Dave was moving out, and Dylan needed new roommates. Prior, they’d invite me to hang out or go to this party they’d throw, but I’d say maybe, and fear would get the best of me and not go. I spent many nights in Minneapolis, walking by myself, and I’d walk by a house party, or many, and always wished I could be there, so here two guys try over and over to get me out, go to parties, and I’d always say, “I’ll see what my schedule is and might show up”, hmph, acting like I was busy.. But I’d never show up.

So Dylan asked me if I wanted to move in, which seemed really awesome, how he described the place, and I was growing tired of the little room in a big house, with no one i really knew. But the decision took me a while. Because the of the fear. The fear of meeting new people, people who’d think I was not cool or dumb, even though Dylan and Dave were super cool and nice, I was still afraid. But I pretty much forced myself to move, because, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life, living in a small room in a big house, and being alone for most my time, and other times, faking like i was happy to my friends, so they wouldn’t worry about me.

So I took the leap and moved in. With that, I met another group of friends. They are all a little bit younger, but that’s cool. Even though I lived in Minneapolis for 6 years prior, hanging out with Dylan and the others, I clearly didn’t “Live” in Minneapolis before. I never went out to local bars, or see local shows. I used to do that more, when I was in a rock bands, but stopped going. But, I don’t think prior I ever been to any local hip hop shows. Which a lot of people I met through my time living at the moontower, are involved in.

But not just hip hop, so many of my newer friends, had some type of artistic passion, that they were actively pursuing, while working regular jobs. Which inspired me, gave me a spark of something I let fizzle out so long ago. Passion. So, I started going to shows, I started to try and support those, and share stuff on the social networks. Because, for me, these people gave me this spark again, and I was very excited. I haven’t felt like that in soo long.

I probably went a little over board. I was adding people on Facebook I didn’t know in real life (whom some I actually did eventually meet) based off of some connection to these people I knew. Dylan told me, i was making some people uncomfortable. That I was treating these people not like people, but like a fanboy of some sort.

That was really the first time in most my life, I actually felt a sense of overwhemling joy, during that period. My mom ( and maybe others) thought I was manic. Since I moved in the moontower, I Lived more than ever before, and that helped me take my first step in breaking free, from myself. The dark part of me, of holding in all emotions. I realize now, that when I reopened the lock to my heart, everything I held deep down and never properly delt with my emotions, from a very young age, what goes in, goes out.

Life was fun at the moontower. But old habits started to creep in again. I met alot of cool people and hung out with more people than ever before, but I still had alot of alone time. In my room, in another big house. Which I now realize, I was doing the same pattern as before, with my highschool friends. I would only hang out with others, if they were already there, or Dylan or any other roommates were doing something. I would rarely call up people on my own, I was lucky though, since my roommates were quite socially and generally had people around alot.

When I got my last job, before I moved out (another call center gig) (( most my jobs have been call centers)) The same dred of being stuck in a crappy job, started creeping up again. But this time was different, because, like I said, I was actually feeling emotions. Because I never really cried, like a full fledge cry and emotions were coming out (mostly happy good ones at this time) the sad emotions were starting to surface, and I would sit in my cubicle, just crying. And I couldn’t stop for a lot of days, on and off. I figured it was just me getting stuff out.

With those emotions surfacing, so did depression, which I’ve delt with almost all my life. But this was full forced and it hit me like a ton of bricks. But even though I had these new friends, and still my old friends, I really didn’t confided in anyone, or really got into it, with the select people i started talking about my problems. Which was only a little. Then while battling that, I didn’t really socialize that much, because I tricked myself again.

I trick myself my old friends were too busy with their life, for me to bother them. Also I tricked myself that my new friends would only talk with me or hang out with me if Dylan or one of the other roommates, were around. So, the job i was crying in the cubicles, ended up closing. After I just been there for a little while, started paying back my landlord, back to square one. Broke, unemployed.

That lead me to my hasty decision to leave. But at that time, I was at my darkest. I didn’t realize how bad, and I’m sure the roommates didn’t, because I was in my room, and they were respectful. But living back at home, in a room with no doors. Unemployed, no money, no car. I acted like I felt. A 33 year old failure. I just sat around the house, never feeling as low as I have ever.

Now knowing, I didn’t realize then, this was all a healing process. And now, I was at the letting out my darkness. My core issues, I’ve buried with in deep layers of my heart, were seeping out. It was the most scared i’ve been. Because I was detached from myself. Before I’d go in and out of depression, but even at my lowest, I had the slightest faint of hope. But I didn’t feel any more. And if I was alone, If I wasn’t at my childhood home, with a room with no doors, living with family, who knew to check in on me. If I felt that low, has I felt then, and I didn’t move back home, because I the darkness that was seeping out of me, was so dark, I didn’t have that tiny light of hope, I’m almost certain, one of my roommates would of found me dead.

Because me, I would of kept to myself, even though deep down I wanted anyone to spill my heart to. My family noticed, my brother, took it upon himself, called a friends father, who was a counselor, I went to a mental ward at Regions, for 3 days, and followed through with counselor sessions. But I healed. Tension started to drain away, the weight of it all, is no longer.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago

I’m not the same person I was a month ago

I’m not the same person I was a week ago

Everything that was once buried, is now free. It may have taken me 33 years to really find myself, but like I said, i’ve grown the most, internally since I’ve been home. All my layers have been unveiled and I am now the person, whom I am supposed to be. That’s why I’ve used social media as an outlet, because, I needed an outlet.

You might have seen I picked up piano some months back. With this growing process I’ve been through, this is the first thing I’ve tried to do, that I’ve actually gotten past a point. Where i’d stop. Maybe its, because my head isn’t rambling on, and its easier to focus. I’m excited to start sharing soon. I’m learning, and actually retaining ! and I have a passion to keep on going. That’s the one thing, that I needed all along.

Thanks to all my old friends, new friends, family and anyone I’ve crossed paths with. I’m sure, more than ever, I’ll be crossing paths with so many others. Because I’m not afraid anymore.

Love,

Kevin

Beliefs

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 22:22:58 -0400

be·lief

/biˈlēf/

Noun

1. An acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

2. Something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction.

Hello,

While at work the other day, I pondered the word belief and about peoples beliefs. How each of us our entitled to our own beliefs and how we treat each other based off of our beliefs. With the emergence of social networking nowadays, more and more people are vocal about their beliefs. Which is fine, its an example of freedom of speech, which I support.

One thing I’ve noticed, is how people treat others based of their individual beliefs. As the definition states, “Something ONE accepts as true or real”. One is the key word here. Because you can believe anything what you believe. If I don’t agree with it, it doesn’t matter, because it’s your beliefs.

We see this all over the social media. People sparking rants and arguments, over someones personal beliefs, Instead of people accepting that persons beliefs. Even factual information, if I believe a fact is not true, even though its fact, no one else can really tell me I’m wrong for believing in that.

We all know that the Earth revolves around the sun, but what if I believed, that the Sun revolved the Earth. Even though there are many sources say otherwise, But I believe that, its my rights has an individual to belief that. I may be wrong in my believe, but as long as my believe doesn’t affect anyone else, then there shouldn’t be a problem.

As a race of humans, we are divided by our beliefs, and we allow that to keep us divided, because we don’t listen to those we deem wrong. We don’t give others a chance to explain their way. Instead of just accepting that person for what they believe in, and still treat each other as equals, we attack them.

Wars, violence, famine, murders and more are all started on a belief. If Hitler’s beliefs never involved anyone else, if he just spoke out his hate speech and never started an army or murdered millions, we’d just deem him as crazy. But because he believed in his ideals, and he pushed his beliefs on others, and we all know what happened, one of the worst atrocities this world has ever witnessed.

But when one starts pushing their beliefs on others, than it becomes something else. I think its time for us, to stop arguing amongst ourselves, pointing out each other’s faults, because we believe them to be faults, while the person we are pointing at, probably thinks the opposite. You can believe in whatever you want, depending, I might not agree with it, but if your beliefs don’t affect others or you push your beliefs on others, who am I to say you’re wrong.

If you read this, you might not agree with me, thats fine, this is what I beleive is a fundimental flaw with society now a days, and I believe if we become more accepting of people (everyone) ((unless they break the one rule, and their beliefs hurt others)) we just need to accept them for who they are, and move on.

I don’t claim to be anyone special or smart. I just think a lot. Take this for what it is, and if you agree feel free to share.

Peace,

Kevin